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Attachment Mothering Serial Rant Part One: What Attachment Parenting Isn’t

July 11, 2011 by blogging 8 Comments

Conversation at Christmastime, last, with a single woman.

“So, you practice attachment parenting.”
Yes.
“So you kids seem nice.  They are polite and well behaved.  The only people I have met who practice attachment parenting have obnoxious overbearing children who lack self control.”
Oh. My kids are like that sometimes.  But I would be worried if they were like that all the time.  Or most of the time. I’ve met people who practice a type of parenting  that is not attachment parenting that might on some level have similiarities to attachment parenting.  Parents who don’t believe you should require children to do anything.  You don’t say no to a child.  It might harm them, they say. That’s not attachment parenting.  Its counterfeit.
“I didn’t know that.”
But you know that not saying  no to children is going to cause them harm?
“Yes.”
So I think its important to look at the difference.

Actual Attachment Parenting and Counterfeit Attachment Parenting.

I realized, during this conversation, the fullness of the bad rap that AP is getting.  And the ignorance which surrounds the general understanding of what it is.  And isn’t.

I clearly remember my first encounter with this counterfeit.  It was at a La Leche League meeting, with my first baby.  It seemed this entire group of parents practiced this counterfeit on attachment parenting. It was wild.  Children were screaming and fighting and jumping on the furniture and taking things away from smaller babies and demanding things from their parents and sassy to other adults.

Oh, of course they did a lot of the stuff that looks like attachment parenting, like breastfeeding, baby wearing, co-sleeping, but instead of a gentle and loving discipline, there was no discipline at all.  I met this so frequently at LLL meetings over the next few years that To This Day, when I recommend going to LLL meetings to newly pregnant mamas to be prepared for the early days of breastfeeding…I always send along a qualifier that they Might Meet This Behaviour at these meetings.

Sad, too, because no discipline is not what LLL or the Sears or any other thoughtful writers on discipline have ever intended.  Perhaps this method was the catalyst for Ezzo-type parenting methods.  I don’t know.  But if this is what I thought attachment parenting was producing, I would run, not walk, run to something very different. 

So I think I would like to rant about Attachment Parenting (which is a dumb name, it seems to imply that we are doing something above and beyond Normal Parenting, like Extended Breastfeeding is in addition to Regular Breastfeeding, as opposed to something mamas and babies were actually built to do).

Perhaps a better name for Attachment Parenting would be Having A Good Relationship With Your Children.  But, alas, its not as catchy. And, it was already taken for the last several thousand years by mothers and fathers who have good relationships with their children.


What it isn’t:
Letting your kids do whatever they want
Never saying no
Tossing discipline out the window
Giving in to all their demands
Asking your kid’s opinion about everything you do
Permissiveness
Being a helicopter parent
Micromanaging all their friends and affairs and events
Providing “experiences”
Letting go of behavioural expectations
Never getting a break
Not needing a break
Never getting frustrated or losing your temper
Kids who don’t misbehave
The exclusion of non parent relationships
Passive-agressive
New or Radical
A set of parenting rules
One size fits all
The Answer
Impossible

Going to solve all your problems

Got any other Isn’ts?  I’d be happy to add them.

So let’s start there.  I would like to cover in this Serial Rant a few other things.
What AP looks like in babies and toddlers
What AP looks like in younger children
What AP looks like in teenagers (don’t worry, its not scary)
AP in your marriage
Attachment Motherhood
Attachment Fatherhood
Keeping the Big Picture clearly in focus

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Filed Under: babies, community, medieval life, quality time, relationships

Comments

  1. Misty says

    July 11, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    I had a similar experience at LLL and never went back. I am linking this on my Google+ account!

    Reply
  2. Hippie Housewife says

    July 19, 2011 at 5:09 am

    What a great introduction to this series. Looking forward to reading the rest!

    Reply
  3. Erin says

    August 9, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    I have tried to dispel the myth the LLL is about permissive parenting. It is hard when so many people attending meetings ignore all rowdiness from their children. Our group is fortunately not like this overall, but then, we also have a small group! However, I see a lot of permissive parenting across the board and not just among those saying they practice AP… I see it at the local playgrounds and in Wal-Mart. I also see the "sit your butt down or I'm gonna whoop you!" at Wal-Mart, followed by no effort made to strap the child into the shopping cart seat, and continued yelling of empty threats throughout the store… would that be called "empty threat permissiveness" parenting??

    Reply
  4. Erin says

    February 5, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    I just discovered this series on your blog today! I'll have to come back soon to read more. We like the term "attachment familying" — because sometimes it seems like the idea of attachment applies only to babies and we honestly try to create an atmosphere of attachment from birth on.

    Reply
  5. Practicing Mammal says

    February 6, 2012 at 10:01 pm

    I hope you enjoy it…I know you will get it…PM

    Reply
  6. Matushka Anna says

    February 6, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    Just saw this today too. This sort of "attachment parenting" drives me insane. When I was growing up – not THAT long ago, I'm 37 – I think we were raised pretty well.

    Children are not the most important people in the house.
    Children should not have their way ALL the time.
    Children should not have their way NONE of the time.
    Boundaries are essential and desired even by children.
    Barring unusual circumstances, you should be able to take your children anywhere…and have them behave.
    Always have high expectations.

    An illustration from my own childhood which I adore:

    My youngest sister was in elementary school where they had been teaching the latest psychobabble about self esteem. She was prattling on about something while my mother was cooking dinner (I was working on something at the table.). At some point my mother must have corrected her because I heard, "Mooooommmm, you're HURTING my SELF ESTEEM!" My mother actually stopped what she was doing (uh oh) and turned around and said, "Emily, that is MY JOB." Love it.

    I look forward to reading the rest of your rant! (:

    Reply
  7. Practicing Mammal says

    February 6, 2012 at 11:42 pm

    Love you mom!

    Reply
  8. viedecirque.com says

    January 23, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    I am a member of a local Facebook Group for AP Parents and if I got a nickel every time I have to explain to a harried and exhausted parent that Attachment Parenting is a mentality and not a grocery list, I would be rich by now. Attachment Parenting is parenting in a way that nurtures and fosters a strong attachment relationship. And this does not exclude having unhappy children on occasion, children who cry because they are frustrated or children who don't agree with you. Yes you can be a good AP Parent if you give your child a pacifier. Or a bottle. Or even a crib! You may use a bouncy seat or a swing on occasion and still be a perfectly well attached parent!

    You know what else gets me? It's mothers (usually mothers) who are so committed to the AP grocery list that their husband is about to leave them. There is strife and tension painted all over the couple relationship but hey! let's not let details get in the way of co-sleeping, breastfeeding, babywearing and never ever putting limits on our children's behavior.

    Sigh. This is a great series. Can't wait to read the other posts!

    Reply

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stay at home mammal

Catholic wife, mother of seven kids, ages 11-30, grandmother to two adorables, homeschool mom for the last 26 years (a few more to go!) author, speaker and general busy person. Sharing my days so you can get through yours with a little smile.

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on attachment motherhood and fatherhood, a serial rant

Part One: What Attachment Isn't
Part Two: Ranting Onward
Part Three: And Upward
Part Four: Attachment Grows Up
Part Five: Attachment and Teens
Part Six: Attachment and Marriage
Part Seven: Compassion
Part Eight: Respect
Part Nine: Love
Part Ten: Authority

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